Tell me, who’s your boogie man?
That’s who I will be.
You don’t have to like me for who I am
I see what you’re made of by what you make of me.
You know I think it’s absurd that you think I am the derelict daughter.
You know, I fight fire with words
Words are hotter than flame
Words are wetter than water.
I’m throwing up a Read More here with Trigger Warnings for mention of both sexual assault and rape within the rest of this post.
I wasn’t blogging publicly when that whole hot fucking mess of the “plantation writers retreat” fuckery went down. To be honest I was quiet at first, mostly because of other things in my life, but then Ani’s hot mess of a horrific response went out and I yelled all over my facebook. All your idols are problematic. Which is true across the board.
That all being said, I can divorce the actions of the person from the power that their lyrics give me. I’m built of Carol Queen’s Sex-Positivity and Ani Difranco’s lyrics. Right now, Willing to Fight is on a loop. This song was built into my soul around age 20. Bought Living in Clip to listen to for the long journey from Dallas back to Wisconsin, after my health had declined so much that I was unable to live on my own anymore. My wonderful mother scooped me up and took me back home for what would be a long journey of endless medical bullshit and soon, my Father’s sudden death. It was a dark time within my soul, but this album and this song, they got me through. These lyrics helped me build and shape my purpose. The purpose that I wasn’t able to put into action…yet.
I’ve got friends all over this country,
Friends in other countries too.
I got friends I haven’t met yet,
I got friends I never knew.
Think it was the buzzfeed interview – I don’t remember now – but they asked if there was anything that I wouldn’t write about. Of course, I live my life on a consent model. I don’t blog about XVO and my relationship in great detail. The parental relationships that we have in our blended family. My friends, lovers, the interactions that I have privately. If you send me a message with your story, unless you specifically ask that I share, I will never share those words. Often in my career, I am the keeper of people’s deepest secrets. That’s an honor and a privilege. Massive portions of my life are completely off-limits to the public.
My stories, my personal experiences struggling with sexuality, identity..My ethics and my politics. Those are all open and out there. My knowledge. My passions. I share that all freely.
“The windows of my soul are made of one way glass.
don’t bother looking into my eyes.
Something you want to know
Just ask”
The threats have died down for now, but the trolling continues. I’ve quit reading comments, as the story of #OrgasmQuest gets more coverage, the narrative that I have little control over has moved from “Brave and Valiant Woman Fights To Regain Her Orgasm Through Antidepressants” to “Look at this woman over-sharing”. I do call myself a Professional Oversharer, but as a positive label. That I’ll tell you the messy, complicated, imperfect parts of life so if you relate to them, you know you aren’t alone. Part of why I am a skilled educator, I have a gift for empathy.
What’s getting to me are a few things. The mockery and dismissal of my story on incorrect assumption that I’m looking for fame for this. Which is laughable. I’ve written online about sexuality – mine or educationally – since before the word “blog” existed. I’ve kept a low profile by design, quietly earning the respect of those I respect through my work and actions, not really having any fucks to give on how many followers I have or how popular my sites are. There is no way to change people’s minds here, that’s not what this post is about. This post is me being me. Speaking my truth of what I am experiencing.
Much more though on what has gotten under my skin is an issue that has always been under my skin. That because I speak openly, honestly and in accessible language about sexuality – again – my own or educationally, that I am inviting harassment. This utterly enrages me.
You know, I let that toxic societal programming into my consciousness for a very long time. When I was younger, when I’d vocalize that something made me uncomfortable in various settings, the response was and has always been “But Crista, look at who you are. Look at what you do. What do you expect?” This is rape culture. This is victim blaming. This is toxic. So many people told me this though, that I bought into it. Let people trample over my boundaries in professional or personal spaces because “what do you expect Crista? You’re the sex girl.” I was raped because when I said no, when I pushed back, it was “you can’t say no, you’re a sex blogger.”
“I got a dead bolt stroll
Where I’m going is clear
I won’t wait for you to wonder
I’ll just tell you why I’m here”
Open dialogue about the wide spectrum of sexuality, the impact of mental illness, the impact of medications upon sexuality, the reality of being a woman who works in sexuality, the impact that sexual assault and rape have upon people, the consequences of doing my work under my own name, being a Mother and a empower sexual creature, fighting the varied stigmas around all these topics and so many more. That’s why I’m here.
I refuse to allow people to tell me that because I am who I am, because I do what I do, I am inviting abuse, harassment or worse. Refuse. I demand respect. You can disagree with me, my messages, my methods, but you will do it respectfully and I will engage with you respectfully in return. I refuse to accept the status quo of internet interactions. I refuse to allow you to shut me up.
“I was a long time coming,
I’ll be a long time gone.
You’ve got your whole life to do something
And that’s not very long.
Why don’t you give me a call
When you decide you’re willing to fight,
For what you think is real.
For what you think is right.”
When that time comes, I’ll be right here.
The post Willing to Fight – (Trigger Warning for Sexual Assault/Rape) appeared first on Crista Anne.